Fight on the Fairway: an Easter Story

By MRJones

“C’mon, get a move on. Our tee time is in five minutes.” Allyn Jones slung his golf bag on his shoulder and strode out the door of the clubhouse. Etienne Comeaux was right behind with Bobby Boudreaux following.

“I thought we were gonna have a golf cart,” Jason Thibodeaux griped as he brought up the rear.

“Walking’s good for you,” Etienne said as they walked out into the bright morning light of Easter Saturday.

They teed off, and as they played through the first five holes, they saw brightly colored eggs along the edges of the fairway. Bobby asked, “Are they having an Easter egg hunt later?”

“I didn’t hear about anything like that,” Jason said as several small dark brown rabbits hopped across their path.

As they approached the sixth hole, they heard the two men ahead of them arguing. A man in red golf clothing was yelling, “EB, you stomped your big foot and made your ball roll in!”

A tall man, wearing a pastel green shirt with pink, purple, and yellow pastel plaid golf pants, replied in a squeaky voice, “It fell in on its own.”

“You cheated!”

“Did not!”

The man in red took a swing at the man in pastel with his putter. The pastel golfer hopped aside and morphed into a giant rabbit in golf clothes. The rabbit grabbed a club from his bag and parried the next swing with his nine iron. The brown bunnies scurried away from the two warring golfers.

Etienne looked at Allyn and said, “That’s Santa trying to beat the stuffing out of the Easter Bunny or someone put acid in my morning coffee.”

“No acid,” Allyn replied. Bobby and Jason stood gaping at the scene.

The battle on the green turned into something akin to a scene out of Braveheart with the combatants using their clubs as two handed broadswords. As Santa and EB stomped the green and turned divots up with their cleats, the bunnies scampered toward Allyn and his companions.

The scent of chocolate was strong in the air as the bunnies swarmed around. One ran across Jason’s foot, leaving brown smears with its feet. Jason bent to inspect the substance and said, “That’s chocolate! Those are chocolate Easter rabbits.” He took off running after the one that had touched him, saying, “I’m gonna catch me a chocolate bunny and bite his ears off!”

“Jason, come back!” Bobby hollered. Jason kept chasing the chocolate bunny as it zigged and zagged, leaving a trail of colored eggs. Bobby turned to Allyn and Etienne. “Somebody’s gotta stop this! We can’t let them kill each other. And Jason’s gone nuts.”

“I never knew the Easter Bunny was as big as Harvey,” Etienne said. “I’ll break it up.” He parked his golf bag and ran toward the battling duo. They paid no attention to Etienne’s attempts to separate them. Etienne ducked one club only to get hit in the head with the other. He fell to the turf unconscious. EB pressed his advantage and drove Santa back until he tripped over Etienne.

As Santa scrambled to his feet and charged at his opponent, Allyn used his power as Manawyddan to draw a fog from the water hazard. The thick fog obliterated the course from sight and muffled the shouts. The clanging of steel clubs stopped.

Santa called out, “Manawyddan, call off your fog.”

“No, Nick. You and EB have lost your minds fighting like this. I’m not clearing it away until you swear you’ll make up and play nice.”

A loud groan was followed by, “I swear I’ll kick both of you into the bayou for the alligators to eat if you even think about swinging a club at anything but a golf ball.”

“You okay, Etienne?”

“Yeah, Allyn, I have a goose egg on my head and a bad attitude toward those two, but I’m alright.”

“Fog stays till I hear your pledge of peace. I’ll go so far as to send you two into another dimension if you don’t.” Allyn started chanting in ancient Welsh.

“Stop, stop!” EB said. “I confess. I thumped the ground and made my ball fall in.”

“I knew it! You rascally rabbit, you cheated!”

“Like you didn’t call the north wind to help that long shot you played into the third hole?”

“You both cheated,” Bobby said. “You should be ashamed of yourselves. Little kids all over the world look up to you. You have rules about them getting Christmas presents and Easter candy. The kids have to be good. You have to be good. No presents or candy for either of you this year.”

“Boudreaux’s right. We’ve been bad, EB. I swear I’ll be good from now on.”

“Me too,” EB said. The fog lifted, revealing Jason holding the chocolate bunny, about to bite its ears. “No! Don’t bite that one. I’ll bring you a bunch you can eat, but don’t eat that one.” Jason looked up at EB, grinned sheepishly and set the chocolate rabbit on the grass. It hopped into the rough and hid.

“Let’s finish our games,” Allyn said. The rest of them looked at him and, for a moment, they saw the tall magician in his robes, green eyes glowing and long red hair flowing in the winds of time. Then, they finished their game.

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